My Life as of recent

So it’s been a very long time since I’ve posted anything here. and, you know, if you look at previous post I guess it’s sort of an explanation. I’ve been fine, really, but I just haven’t really been in the mood to post anything else, haven’t had any ideas or motivation to post it

so I’m posting now because I’m starting school again in January
January 8th, to be specific. I’m starting it SCC – Southeast community college – and majoring in computer information technology

I sort of nervous about this new major change in my life, but also excited, but mostly nervous.

Mario recent news I won an iPad mini at our Cains Christmas party him it was the top prize and so I am really really happy about winning that I never in my wildest dreams expected to actually win it and so I’m actually posting this from my iPad and oh goodness it’s exciting I’m using the text to speech thing and it’s doing pretty well at heavens I’m just going to come post it as it is perhaps maybe a little editing I I honestly don’t know that yet wait it says Mario goodness

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Update

My grandma – who I called Farmor (Swedish for father’s mother) – died last night.  About sometime around 4am.

My dad called me to let me know about 4.

We got to see her, the whole family, on Wednesday.  One of the few days this week which I did not work two shifts.

She had fallen again like the evening before, I guess.  Everybody just came and sat with her, she didn’t really respond, just kind of stared into space.

Before that, I got to see her I think a week before, also on Wednesday.  She was asleep the whole time until we left and said goodbye.

June 3rd, though, was when I really got to see her, really say goodbye for real.  She had seen an angel that night before (or early morning or something) who had told her she would die at night.  She was pretty shaken up by that, of course …
But she was alert then, doing well.  We had conversations.

Coping

I like things to be explained. Explainable. A precise reason, cause and effect. It’s how you make sense of things you don’t like, it’s like a form of control.

Deconstructing things, down to their pieces, their causes and their methods.

May Not Be Pretty, But It Works

So I sometimes have trouble connecting to or staying connected to the wifi network (not enantiomer).  I prefer doing things via commandline whenever I can, or writing my own scripts.

So, as the title says, this may not be very pretty, but I use it, it works.  I’m sort of proud of myself for knowing how to do most of it just off the top of my head.  Parts did involve some googling “how to _______” to get it done, but now I know how to do those too.\

It’s not really for debugging, like it says, and it’s not too interactive, but I really wanted to call it that.

#!/bin/bash
echo Debugging Interactive Script Continue reading 

Compromise

What if all you’ve got just isn’t enough? What do you do when you can’t give them the life they deserve to have? When you know that if they stay, they’ll die?
You make the hardest decision of your life, that’s what you do. But you do it for them. It’s the greatest sacrifice you’ll ever make.

_________

You were twenty-three when you lost everything. Your daughter, two. Your husband gone, dead.

Before, you both worked, combining what you had to give your baby a home and some food. It never was much, but it was all there was, all you could give.

But when disaster struck, there were no more jobs, there was no more house, no more food. There was only a torn bedsheet, some sticks, a cardboard box. Food came when it came, and her cries pierced the heavy night air.

Hunger, cold, heat, bugs, thirst. Despair.

This is what she knew, your beautiful, innocent daughter.

There was an orphanage nearby, where food, shelter, love, were in ample supply.

“We only take orphans,” they said. Children who had no family.

But it was clean. It was shelter from the rain. It was soft mattresses with real sheets and blankets, and it was food. Food for her, real meals, not scraps. No more cries of hunger.

But they only take orphans.

You know your daughter is slowly dying. There’s no denying it. No growing child can live on what she lives on.

To give her life, you might never see her again.

If you walk up to the door of the orphanage, say, “I found this child alone on the street, she’s an orphan,” they will know your face. Or suppose she cries “Mama!” as she sees you walking away. They want to reunite children with their parents – and they only take orphans.

So you take her somewhere, somewhere safe. Where she’ll be found.

So, one night, in the heavy rain, you pack up all she has in a plastic grocery bag. It all fits, with plenty of room. You take her hand for what may be the last time, as you lead her along.

“Where going, Mama?” she asks. There’s no accusation in her voice, but it hurts like a knife to the heart.

So you walk, this last time, through the pouring rain, to the hospital. If she’s lucky, they’ll get her a meal tonight, and she’ll go to the orphanage in the morning.

Inside, you lead her through the hot, sticky halls until there is somewhere she’ll be safe for the night, where she won’t try to follow you away. You put her bag under the chair where she sits. When she tries to speak, you gently put a finger to her lips. “Shhh, baby. It’s okay.”

You gaze into her beautiful eyes this last time, knowing you will never see them again. You take in every inch of her face, burn it into your memory, hope it never fades away. You hold her precious head in your hands and tell her you love her, over, and over, and over.

“Why cry, Mama?”

Maybe someday she will remember, will remember that you loved her with everything you had. Maybe she will forget that the last thing you said to her was a lie, and she will remember the truth. You can only hope.

You wipe the thin sheen of sweat from her forehead. “You stay here, baby. Mama’s gotta go.”

“Where go?”

Fighting the urge to scoop her into your arms and carry her away from all this, you shake your head. “Don’t worry, baby.”

“No, Mama!”

You can’t stop the tears any longer. “Please, baby! Stay here. Mama … will … Mama will be back.”

As you turn the corner, running as fast as your fatigued body will take you, you feel as if a part of you has been torn away, a raw, open wound on your heart. Every sobbing breath is agony as the weight of what you have done crashes down on you.

This is the end – the end of your life. Nothing can ever be the same now. The precious light that was your reason for living is gone. Gone!

Slowly, as the rain pours down around you, a flicker of hope is found. She will live. And someday, maybe, you will find her. A face in the crowd, a person on the street, a passing stranger. Maybe, maybe, it will be her.

On the long, arduous journey home, all you can hear is her cries – not her usual cries of hunger, but the soul-piercing wail of a child abandoned by the only person she had in the world. Her fear, her pain, is palpable. It is yours. You have failed her.

But this is compromise. This is love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note: I wrote this in 2010.  It was inspired by a true story I read in the newspaper about Haiti. It’s a very emotional piece, which is rare coming from me. I felt the need to write it in second person, as well, which I hope has a good effect.

Somewhere Beyond the Blue?

This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue
The angels beckon me from heaven’s open door
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore

Oh Lord you know I have no friend like you

If heaven’s not my home then Lord what will I do
The angels beckon me from heaven’s open door
And I can’t feel at home in this world anymore
Continue reading

Today Is Shoe Day

Lots of pictures in this post.

I had the day off of work today.  Went out to the camera store and had confirmed what I already suspected: the broken pin (in the CF card slot) in my camera means it’s not a simple fix.  The whole board needs to be replaced, which means sending it out to Canon, blah, blah, blah.  Unless it helps to know someone that works there (I do), it will cost nearly the same amount to do that as to just replace the camera.  Which I already knew.

Anyways, from there we went to the fabric store.  I needed zippers!

image

My zippers.

While I was there, I decided to get some ribbon to decorate the pair of flipflops I was wearing.

Back to the zippers.  I got this wonderful pair of boots at goodwill a little while ago, for $3.99.  Liked the height of the heel, finally found one with a rounded toe … not squared, not pointy.  Perfect!  And in my size, not too small!  I was sooo happy.  Only problem, the zipper was broken.  More so on the right boot than the left.  In fact, when I got them, the zipper was totally separated onto one side.

So, me being me, I thought, Oh, I’ll just replace the zippers!  Never mind I’ve never done anything even remotely close to this before.  Never worked with leather, never sewn a zipper.  Never ever tried either of those on a pair of boots!!

Continue reading